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How to make good kids great
By Nadyne Lee
David and Beth Dawson said to their children,
“Let’s go to Costa Rica and help the people install a
water filtration plant so that they can have clean water.”
The Dawsons have taught their three children —
Elizabeth, 15, Charlotte, 15, and Sam, 11 —
lessons of gratitude by serving the less fortunate.
In 2006, the Dawson family worked for nine days in
Katrina-ravaged Mississippi. A few years earlier Beth
and the two girls worked for 12 days in an orphanage in Brazil. Sam and his dad worked
with the Hispanic population in Arlington, Tx. This summer, Elizabeth, Charlotte, and Sam
will visit Costa Rica to work on the Edge Ministry team in their effort to install and maintain
water filtration systems and to educate people on the basics of health and hygiene.
“These trips have really helped to establish a sense of gratitude and a willingness to give,”
says David. “When our kids see the level of poverty that exists, they become very aware
of how much they have. They’re very anxious to go. Helping others gives them a great
sense of joy.”
David says that although the trips mean an enormous sacrifice of time, energy, and
money, he believes they are well worth it. “We’re teaching life lessons about being a giving
person,” said David. “The lessons they learn will help them make informed decisions about
where to go to college, what to take in college, and what they want to do with their lives.”
Most parents want the best for their children: the best schools, the best athletic programs,
the best neighborhoods, the best colleges. We want our children to find the best jobs, the
best spouse, and the best possible life. But how do we, as parents, know what skills our
children will need for their futures? Will they need the musical ability of a concert pianist?
... the math skills of a nuclear physicist? ... the literary acumen of a best-selling writer? ...
the endurance of a tri-athlete? Who knows what skills they’ll need? They haven’t grown up
yet!
The only thing parents know for sure is that our children will need values to secure their
happiness. They’ll need honesty, gratitude, courage, tenacity, and compassion. These
gifts will arm them for success.
In her book, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-
Reliant Children, Wendy Mogel writes that there are basic values parents should teach
their children. These are not hot new concepts or the latest trend in successful parenting.
They are Biblical principles that have worked as a blueprint for good parenting for more
than 3000 years.
These principles are:
To honor parents and others
To be grateful for blessings
To accept rules and to exercise self-control
To value work
To be resilient, self-reliant, and courageous
To love God
Sound familiar? Yes.
Sound easy? No!
For example, “Thou shalt not covet” made it to the top 10 commandments. Why? Because
its opposite, gratitude, is essential for a fulfilled life. Unfortunately, gratitude doesn’t come
naturally. Our kids don’t come out of the womb grateful for having been born. Gratitude is
a value that has to be taught.
As hard as it may be to believe, most of our children come into the world as greedy little
people who feel that the world should revolve around them. If a child is greedy, how does
a parent instill the value of gratitude? In her book, Mogel writes that a change in behavior
will lead to a change in feelings. “If parents put limits on their children’s whining and
begging and require them to do good deeds, the children will eventually become less
greedy and more grateful. The feeling will follow the action.”
Getting one’s wishes granted immediately doesn’t make the child more grateful or content.
On the contrary, it makes her less appreciative and more acquisitive. That’s what our
grandmothers meant when they talked about “spoiled children.” What got spoiled was the
child’s capacity for waiting, satisfaction, and gratitude.
Mogel says that when we witness our children begging for one thing after another we
should realize that our “spirited impassioned child is magnificent in the intensity of her
desires and the brilliant locutions of her arguments.” But as her parent we should accept
our responsibilities: to respect her zeal and to redirect her longing to include appreciating
her blessings, strengthening her capacity for gratitude, and caring for the less fortunate.
How to teach gratitude:
Model gratitude not greed. If trips to the mall on Saturday or Sunday are more important
than prayer and worship, perhaps greed not gratitude is a motivating force in our lives.
We have to live out what we want our children to become.
Help children to be grateful for simple gifts. Help them to notice rainbows after a storm, hot
fudge on cold ice cream, the first snow of winter. Every time we eat we have a choice
between gluttony and gratitude. The family table becomes an altar when parents
remember to give thanks for our daily bread.
Giving is a way of expressing gratitude. Teach your children that if we’re blessed with
abundance, it’s because we’re supposed to figure out a way to use our blessings to help
others.
Teach children that “it’s better to give than receive.” These words alone will never
convince a child, but if she becomes involved in giving to others, the experience will write
volumes that words could never teach.
Get involved. Use the word “Let’s” when proposing a project. “Let’s go to the food bank
and deliver canned goods to the less fortunate.” “Let’s save our spare change and donate
it to Heifer International or Habitat for Humanity.”
Instead of the best skills, maybe today’s parents should be challenged to give their
children the best example, the best values, and the best guidance, so that their children
can learn how to live the best possible life.
Nadyne Lee (nadynelee@iamtodayswoman.com) is a pediatric nurse practitioner, mother,
and grandmother. She writes regularly for the Today’s Woman Kids & Health column.
SIDEBAR:
In their desire to help their children reach their fullest potential, parents may micromanage
their kid’s lives, rescue them from failure, or push them to perfection. Parents want their
kids to be like them only better, smarter, and more successful. Unfortunately, children don’
t thrive in a hot-house of constant activity and demanding parental expectations. Although
today’s parents are committed to raising happy, well-adjusted children, many of today’s
parents look into the faces of their children and see expressions that can only be
described as petulance, anger, rigidity, obstinacy, resentment, or anxiety. Unwittingly,
some parents create pressure- cooker lives for their kids.
Loving parents know the demands of the competitive world and so press their children to
acquire skills that might help them to achieve. They push them to excel in math, practice
the piano, spell like a champion, and run the mile in four minutes flat, as if thick layers of
skills will arm them for success.
By Nadyne Lee
David and Beth Dawson said to their children,
“Let’s go to Costa Rica and help the people install a
water filtration plant so that they can have clean water.”
The Dawsons have taught their three children —
Elizabeth, 15, Charlotte, 15, and Sam, 11 —
lessons of gratitude by serving the less fortunate.
In 2006, the Dawson family worked for nine days in
Katrina-ravaged Mississippi. A few years earlier Beth
and the two girls worked for 12 days in an orphanage in Brazil. Sam and his dad worked
with the Hispanic population in Arlington, Tx. This summer, Elizabeth, Charlotte, and Sam
will visit Costa Rica to work on the Edge Ministry team in their effort to install and maintain
water filtration systems and to educate people on the basics of health and hygiene.
“These trips have really helped to establish a sense of gratitude and a willingness to give,”
says David. “When our kids see the level of poverty that exists, they become very aware
of how much they have. They’re very anxious to go. Helping others gives them a great
sense of joy.”
David says that although the trips mean an enormous sacrifice of time, energy, and
money, he believes they are well worth it. “We’re teaching life lessons about being a giving
person,” said David. “The lessons they learn will help them make informed decisions about
where to go to college, what to take in college, and what they want to do with their lives.”
Most parents want the best for their children: the best schools, the best athletic programs,
the best neighborhoods, the best colleges. We want our children to find the best jobs, the
best spouse, and the best possible life. But how do we, as parents, know what skills our
children will need for their futures? Will they need the musical ability of a concert pianist?
... the math skills of a nuclear physicist? ... the literary acumen of a best-selling writer? ...
the endurance of a tri-athlete? Who knows what skills they’ll need? They haven’t grown up
yet!
The only thing parents know for sure is that our children will need values to secure their
happiness. They’ll need honesty, gratitude, courage, tenacity, and compassion. These
gifts will arm them for success.
In her book, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-
Reliant Children, Wendy Mogel writes that there are basic values parents should teach
their children. These are not hot new concepts or the latest trend in successful parenting.
They are Biblical principles that have worked as a blueprint for good parenting for more
than 3000 years.
These principles are:
To honor parents and others
To be grateful for blessings
To accept rules and to exercise self-control
To value work
To be resilient, self-reliant, and courageous
To love God
Sound familiar? Yes.
Sound easy? No!
For example, “Thou shalt not covet” made it to the top 10 commandments. Why? Because
its opposite, gratitude, is essential for a fulfilled life. Unfortunately, gratitude doesn’t come
naturally. Our kids don’t come out of the womb grateful for having been born. Gratitude is
a value that has to be taught.
As hard as it may be to believe, most of our children come into the world as greedy little
people who feel that the world should revolve around them. If a child is greedy, how does
a parent instill the value of gratitude? In her book, Mogel writes that a change in behavior
will lead to a change in feelings. “If parents put limits on their children’s whining and
begging and require them to do good deeds, the children will eventually become less
greedy and more grateful. The feeling will follow the action.”
Getting one’s wishes granted immediately doesn’t make the child more grateful or content.
On the contrary, it makes her less appreciative and more acquisitive. That’s what our
grandmothers meant when they talked about “spoiled children.” What got spoiled was the
child’s capacity for waiting, satisfaction, and gratitude.
Mogel says that when we witness our children begging for one thing after another we
should realize that our “spirited impassioned child is magnificent in the intensity of her
desires and the brilliant locutions of her arguments.” But as her parent we should accept
our responsibilities: to respect her zeal and to redirect her longing to include appreciating
her blessings, strengthening her capacity for gratitude, and caring for the less fortunate.
How to teach gratitude:
Model gratitude not greed. If trips to the mall on Saturday or Sunday are more important
than prayer and worship, perhaps greed not gratitude is a motivating force in our lives.
We have to live out what we want our children to become.
Help children to be grateful for simple gifts. Help them to notice rainbows after a storm, hot
fudge on cold ice cream, the first snow of winter. Every time we eat we have a choice
between gluttony and gratitude. The family table becomes an altar when parents
remember to give thanks for our daily bread.
Giving is a way of expressing gratitude. Teach your children that if we’re blessed with
abundance, it’s because we’re supposed to figure out a way to use our blessings to help
others.
Teach children that “it’s better to give than receive.” These words alone will never
convince a child, but if she becomes involved in giving to others, the experience will write
volumes that words could never teach.
Get involved. Use the word “Let’s” when proposing a project. “Let’s go to the food bank
and deliver canned goods to the less fortunate.” “Let’s save our spare change and donate
it to Heifer International or Habitat for Humanity.”
Instead of the best skills, maybe today’s parents should be challenged to give their
children the best example, the best values, and the best guidance, so that their children
can learn how to live the best possible life.
Nadyne Lee (nadynelee@iamtodayswoman.com) is a pediatric nurse practitioner, mother,
and grandmother. She writes regularly for the Today’s Woman Kids & Health column.
SIDEBAR:
In their desire to help their children reach their fullest potential, parents may micromanage
their kid’s lives, rescue them from failure, or push them to perfection. Parents want their
kids to be like them only better, smarter, and more successful. Unfortunately, children don’
t thrive in a hot-house of constant activity and demanding parental expectations. Although
today’s parents are committed to raising happy, well-adjusted children, many of today’s
parents look into the faces of their children and see expressions that can only be
described as petulance, anger, rigidity, obstinacy, resentment, or anxiety. Unwittingly,
some parents create pressure- cooker lives for their kids.
Loving parents know the demands of the competitive world and so press their children to
acquire skills that might help them to achieve. They push them to excel in math, practice
the piano, spell like a champion, and run the mile in four minutes flat, as if thick layers of
skills will arm them for success.
