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BYJOANNA NESBIT
JUNE/JULY 2010
After a friend of mine gave birth to a daughter, she told me no one had told her how hard it would be just to take a casual walk after having a baby. An active woman who runs and bikes, she was shocked to learn she could only walk the dog a couple blocks before her pelvic floor felt like it would drop out. She also didn’t realize that sitting to visit with her family, who had arrived to help, would prolong her healing. Every mom has a different post-birth experience, but all families face the same life changes, whether welcoming a first baby or a third. If you have friends or family with a new baby, here are a few tips for easing the new family’s transition.
The best way to help out? Bring food — entire meals, a main entrée, or a goody bag of baked goods for between-meal snacking. Quiche, lasagna, and hearty soups make good contributions, and they refrigerate or freeze easily. Better yet, organize friends to deliver meals every other day for a month. Use an online organizer such as mealtrain.com or mealbaby.com to coordinate information and schedules. Have your expectant friend set up an account prior to the baby’s arrival, or let her know you’ll set it up yourself and invite friends to participate. When supplying a meal, call the day of delivery to confirm you’re bringing it (new parents lose track), and let them know when you’ll be there. Keep in mind new parents may not be up for a social visit when you arrive.
New parents often have relatives to help out for the first week or two. Having someone live in can be wonderful, but sometimes the extra person means extra work — or extra visiting for the new mother. Despite your reassurances, the couple may worry Baby is keeping you up at night or they may feel compelled to play host, so consider booking a nearby motel to allow the new family time to themselves. During the day, keep your contributions practical (no new curtains) to give Mom time for herself and her baby. Dr. Lauren Feder, a Los Angeles-based physician, recommends to new moms the 40-Day Period for rest and healing. “Sleep when your baby sleeps,” she advises. “Have friends or caregivers take care of all other activities, such as food preparation, errands, household chores, and helping with other children. Women who deny themselves this special period of rest and attachment can end up fatigued for several years.” Does the family have a dog? Offer to take Fido out. Mom will appreciate the help, especially if Dad has gone back to work. New mothers aren’t strong enough to walk a dog even after the first couple of weeks, much longer if they’ve had a caesarean birth.Claudine Wolk, author of It Gets Easier! And Other Lies We Tell New Mothers, recommends new parents hire cleaning help for the first few months. Grandparents, consider paying for the service yourself if the new family can’t afford or doesn’t see the need (they need it!).
Because each mother’s experience is so different and each baby so individual, there’s no way to prepare new mothers for the “fourth trimester” adjustments. You likely remember feeling overwhelmed, and you may have tips or assurances that will ease her frustration. Let this time be hers, though, and not your own memory lane. This also isn’t the time to recall your baby sleeping through the night at four weeks.Heather Alvis of Bellingham, Wash., says because her friends had experienced easy labors and births, she and her husband were expecting the same. “We didn’t get either one. If you happen to get the easy baby that naps and hangs out peacefully in the bouncy chair, that’s great, but if you don’t expect it, and you’re prepared for an all-consuming baby, you may not get as frustrated,” she says. As days merge into weeks, new parents will get into the swing of parenting, and the newborn stage will become a blur. Years later, though, parents will still remember the help everyone contributed to launching their new family.How Do You Do, Baby #2?With parents preoccupied in helping the older sibling adjust, providing meals is even more important with a second baby. And healing is just as critical for Mom as the first time. “Many moms are used to multitasking, but with the birth of a new baby, it’s imperative they learn to ‘be,’” says Elizabeth Manning, a fertility coach with national and international clients (conscientiousconception.com). “Time spent doing less allows proper healing at a deeper level.”
Relatives and friends can provide special attention by taking the older sib out on his own adventure, giving Mom a break. Parents can find babysitting cooperatives in their area at hivemoms.com.
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