JUNE/JULY 2010
FAMILY DINNER WARS:
The Most Important Meal of the Day . . . or NOT?
YES.
“ At the very least, you eat dinner with us and discuss your day, or you can deal with student loans like your mother and I did.” This proclamation is embedded in my three girls as they pursue their crazy schedules riddled with sporting events, dance, Girl Scouts, and friends. The deal we’ve made with them is simple: When the time comes, we’ll pay for your education, but in return, you dine with us every night and share the day’s events with the family. My wife, Cheri, and I feel this transparency is a great way to keep involved in our kids’ busy lives, but could also bring to light any issues our kids are enduring that we need to know about. It helps us read between the lines to look for the common evils of today’s world, such as drugs, gangs, and under-age drinking. Our roundtable discussion usually starts after the blessing and goes clockwise until everyone has spoken, including the parents.
Usually we hear of stinging dodge-ball games or about the monkey bars that are just too high. Or sometimes we’re told of the alluring smell of the cafeteria food that often floats down the hall making concentration almost impossible. However, it is the ritual of telling us of “new or interesting friends” in their life that helps us hone in on any potential danger. Children will often conceal bullying or sex abuse out of fear, and at our dinner table is where we hope to arrest such problems before they get out of hand. Many a stalk of broccoli has been consumed while this interrogation was played out.
But it’s not just danger signals we seek as we dine. To share these daily moments has a bond all of its own. Sometimes they are so eager to tell us about their day they jump their turn, with an eagerness to speak before they start to eat. A test that was aced, a Merit Badge, or an interesting school visitor often leads the charge of our discussion.
I must point out that I am always squiggling in my seat with eagerness to talk at dinner as well. I’ve spent countless dollars with therapists, bored my friends wailing about the state of the world, and never felt as good as when I share my day at the dinner table with my family. I’ve come to the table many a night ridden with fear of finances, corporate cutbacks, and the like, but that can seem like nothing compared to a child’s terror of a stray dog loose on the playground with her Fritos in peril. And I am proud to report there have been times the girls wouldn’t let me up from the table until I answered their question, “Were there any new or interesting friends in your life today?”
John G. Warren lives in Louisville with wife, Cheri, and daughters Mary (8), Anna (6), and Emily (3).
NO.
When all three of my kids were at home, my son, a student at St. Xavier, had tennis, diving practice, and a girlfriend. My daughter, a student at Sacred Heart, had gymnastics, cheerleading, and friends she wanted to be with. My youngest son just wanted my undivided attention after I got home from work. If you add hours of homework and studying to an inflexible rule stating, “You have to eat dinner with the rest of the family at a specific time every night,” I would easily be stuck eating with grumpy, exhausted, irritable kids. That does not sound fun or productive for anyone.
Growing up in a household that lived and breathed the typical structured family mealtime, I knew I did not want to impose that rigidity on my kids or myself. As a single mom of three children who are all extremely different, I learned early on from my daughter that I need to allow each of them to be the person God created them to be. In doing this, I became more flexible and accepting of variances from the “normal routine,” and allowed myself to enjoy some of these variances as well. The result of this flexibility brought a more relaxed atmosphere to our home, and helped us enjoy each other a lot more when we actually did get together for dinner.
I initially began by writing down a plan on Sunday morning for the upcoming week. I wrote each child’s name on a color-coded dry-erase board with their activities written in for each day of that particular week. Non-negotiable family meal times were Sunday and Thursday nights. On these nights we all were expected to eat together, but friends were always welcome to join us. We chose Sunday and Thursday because we used these as our “get to bed early nights” as well. Yes, even my teenagers got extra sleep on those two nights! On another night during the week, my two teenagers and I would eat together while watching one of our favorite shows. My youngest son had an earlier bedtime. My daughter still talks about these nights where the three of us sat on the couch — usually eating cereal or waffles for dinner — and laughed while we watched “Survivor.”
Other nights of the week my daughter might eat at Qdoba Mexican Grill with friends or my son might eat out with friends after tennis. On afternoons and evenings without teenagers, my youngest son and I rode bikes to the park, ate dinner out together, or just had sandwiches in our backyard on the trampoline.
For our family, the goal is balance and flexibility combined with patience, and a mutual respect for each other as individuals. Quality time is priceless to me, and too much quantity can make for “not-so-great” quality!
Stacy Westray Tackett is mother to Alexandria (22), Westray (19), and Gib (8), and is an assistant principal at St. Aloysius School in Pewee Valley. This is her first piece for Today’s Family.
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